Location, Location, Location!!!

I recently bought my first place. When I started the house shopping process, I had no idea how long it would take. I was in no rush, but eager to begin this new chapter of my life. I found that every homeowner I spoke to had their own specific list of the "must haves" when house shopping. I began to relate this (duh) to my dating life and my own personal list. When shopping for a partner, what are the "must haves" and what are the things you are willing to drop the price on?

At first, I looked at homes. But looking at my pay stub (I work for a non-profit) and the amount of effort it would take to make a house a home, I soon realized that a house's potential was far too much energy that I wanted to put in. So, I had to renegotiate my list and decided that it wasn't so much as what, but where. I have always said that the most important #1 item on the list is "Christian, Christian, Christian!!!" It's easy for me to lose sight of this when I see what is on the market. He's Christian, but no ambition, Christian but SO not ready to commit, Christian but has major anger issues... once one sees what is on the market, one can be easily persuaded against investing.

Without realizing it, my list had changed. I went out with a guy several times last month with a great heart, clear goals and ambitions, but no love for Jesus. (This abruptly ended with the abstinence conversation though.) I had to remind myself that God not only cared about the perfect house for me, but that He also cares about who I make a home with.

It took one month short of a year before I found the right townhouse. So it's not a house, it has no backyard, and I can spit on my neighbor's balcony. But it's beautiful, has a washer and dryer, and room for a family one day--and in the perfect location that I wanted. Better still, it didn't need to be fixed up. (That is a whole other sermon in itself!) I viewed and even put offers on several places in this very same complex, but none were quite right. Once I gave up and told Him I am blessed no matter what, He orchestrated the right deal at the perfect time--and better than I had imagined.

He's a Christian, Butt...

Michele: I would love to introduce my good friend and our guest blogger, Valerie Sun. She is in the faith, hoping and dating trenches with me as a prayer partner, accountability partner and just an all-around BLAST to hang out with. Enjoy!



He's a Christian, Butt...
by Valerie Sun


Something about me that I should probably disclose is that apparently I never grew out of that pre-pubescent stage where as girls we would give our crushes nicknames. This is only to be known to our closest circle of girlfriends, I think in an effort to lend secrecy and fun to our obsession at the time. This affinity to bestow codenames onto my schoolyard crushes has carried full force into adulthood. I nickname many of the guys I go out with…usually stemming from a quirk about them – sometimes positive, but not always. For example, I have gone out with catboy, hip-hop boy, and for the subject of this particular blog, "MAF."


In my never-ending quest to find a datable guy who is Christian, I stumbled upon MAF on match.com. MAF was a 30 year old grad student soon-to-be teacher who lived nearby, professed his Christianity in his profile, was extremely funny, and very cute, too!


I contacted him and we ended up chatting on IM one night. It was clear from the beginning that his faith was real and important to him. But in the oddest first conversation I have EVER had with a guy, red flags went up all over the place. He said that he had a conundrum: he was looking for a Christian “wild girl” – a girl who is Christian and loves God, but not uptight and with a wild side. He explained that although he himself was abstinent, he had dated too many Christian “drones” that would shut down at any kind of intimacy past hand-holding. I mean… I’m all for honesty and being real, but there is also something to be said for saving those type of conversations for once you get to know someone better, not on the first chat! Without going into detail, I told him that I felt I fell somewhere in the middle. I probably should have said goodbye right after that chat. Many women I know would have been duly offended and promptly signed off. I, however, decided to overlook the slightly offensive honesty in the hopes that underneath the apparent inability to distinguish appropriate first conversation subject matter there was that solid Christian, datable guy I was hoping to find.


I ended up going out with MAF four times, three of which were just hanging out at home. After the first date, the subject of my assets came up – specifically, those of the gluteal nature. Not just once, but multiple times…peppered throughout texts, conversations, and IMs. It appeared that due to my uncanny ability to find some wacky guys online, I had unearthed a Christian guy with an ass fetish to boot…which promptly gave him the well deserved nickname MAF – Mr. Ass Fetish. It wasn’t too long before he started asking for a picture of me from the back…seriously. I refused politely, laughing it off at first, and then when he wouldn’t let it drop, I reiterated my feelings on the matter a little more strongly. I didn’t tell him to shove it like I wanted to because I was trying SOOOO hard not to come across as the dreaded “prude” that we Christian women too often and easily get labeled. And, I wanted him to LIKE me.


MAF then left for home for two weeks over the holidays and I never heard from him again. Getting some perspective, I realized how much leeway I had given him just because ostensibly he had all those qualities I desperately wanted and was having such a hard time finding - but with it, I overlooked the fact that with him I felt like I had to prove myself and consequently, didn’t call him on his inappropriate aggression when it came to his attraction to rear ends.


Remembering my value as God’s child in dating can be really hard, and in my zealous attempt to throw everything I knew I needed and wanted out the window because this particular guy shared my faith, I lost that I need to look at the person as a whole, and not just the fact that he goes to church on a regular basis. Any other guy pulling those stunts I would have chalked up as a perv, but because MAF was a Christian, I figured that he might be worth ignoring the creepy behavior. Compromise is necessary for a healthy relationship, but when I ended up compromising also what I knew was right and good, and some of my sense of self-worth along with it, I realized I had cut the guy one too many breaks. And that there is such a thing as too much compromise …it is just a matter of treading that grey area and knowing when you’ve stepped into the red.


Lesson learned…next time a guy asks me for a picture of my ass after one date, I will turn tail and run the other direction – of course, all the while making sure that he doesn’t have a camera in his hand to take a picture of said tail while I run.

Pants on Fire...

Date number three with the Chef went really well. He cooked me a fabulous dinner in his drool-worthy kitchen, while I prepared delectable chocolate cookies with his vanilla mac sugar from Hawaii. Seeing all the fun products in his kitchen made me as green with envy as his avocado Kitchen Aide.

Fishing for information, I lallygagged down Girlfriends Past Lane. We women do this to gain more insight on a man. Men, for the most part (and to their credit) don't really care to ask about a girls' previous relationships. His previous relationship ended for one main reason: dishonesty. She was lying about being a drinker and a smoker. Insert DEER IN THE HEADLIGHTS as I looked at him. All of a sudden it became impossible to swallow around the HUGE lump that had formed in my throat.

This is a tough admission to all you readers... or rather, an embarrassing one. Or tough AND embarrassing. I struggle with smoking. GASP!!! Worse yet, I am so embarrassed by the fact that I struggle with this, I lie on my dating profile. And he called it out in his past relationship. I felt ashamed. I admitted to my struggle then and there, but still did not feel right about it.

I have justified omitting this information for two reasons: 1.) I refuse to date a smoker. (I know, its a double standard, but I'll never fully quit if I date a smoker.) and 2.) I'm trying to quit.

This was still weighing on my mind as I slipped into my seat at my Monday morning class at church. We were discussing modeling behavior in our children. "Lying," the teacher said, "plants a seed that will just get bigger and bigger. It will continue to grow with just a little bit of lying here and there until it overtakes you." Of course, she wasn't speaking directly to me; She was talking about a 5-year-old lying about eating candy when mommy said NO. I felt the heat creep into my cheeks until it was as if they were on fire. Regardless of how embarrassed I was about my smoking, a lie is still a lie. It's in the ten commandments for cryin' out loud! I know we are not perfect, but God only gave us a solid ten to stick with and I STILL can't handle it! :)

The irony is that I consider myself an extremely honest and genuine person. My depraved self emerges when my self image is at stake. I know that this can be common for any people, but I felt ashamed nonetheless. My choice now is to come clean and be honest, despite my embarrassment, and hope this new endeavor won't go down in flames.

13 going on 30

"Michele, any man who TRULY loves you will be willing to wait for you." If I had a nickel for every time I heard this line in the past year, I could have bought a house instead of a condo. (Not that I have ANY complaints.) While this advice sounds great in theory, I realized in the past month that the logic is essentially illogical. I don't want to date a man who is willing to wait for me. Yes, I think I'm worth it. Yes, I want to date and marry a man who TRULY loves me. No, we will not leave the honeymoon suite for days after we are married...

But I have come to think that it is not about me. While "worth the wait" is a catchy slogan for purity rings or high school campuses, it still lacks in spiritual substance. What is it really about? Why do we wait? We wait because God asks this of us, and asks for obedience.

"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me." (1 Cor. 13:11) As a "child" a.k.a teenager with raging hormones, insatiable sexual curiosity, new contacts and braces newly taken off, I was a ripe for the pickin'. I was a child in a young woman's body with no understanding of sexual integrity or a heart to please God. We love because He first loved us. How do we repay that the Creator and Definer of Love itself? Through obedience and worship with our actions.

As children, we love to think that it's about us; I'M worth the wait...If he truly loves ME... I sat on the couch chatting with two girlfriends the other night, and the subject turned to sex. (Of course!) I talked about how it was increasingly becoming an issue to date guys who don't wait, but because of my conviction, might "wait" for me. Maybe when I was a mere child in my dating knowledge it made perfect sense. Don't get me wrong--being "worth the wait" is fantastic! However, I think there is a time in our spiritual growth when our focus needs to change.

This is true in MANY areas of our lives. "Thou shalt not have premarital sex" is not the eleventh commandment. It is not this rule that we keep because God says to... We obey God because He loved US SO MUCH first!!! What if we were talking about lying? Say a guy I am dating says, "Michele, I love you SO much that I am willing to never lie again." Sounds great! Do I want him to not lie just to please me? I have since weaned myself off of boys who will wait for me. I have grown up to men who are willing to be man enough to follow to what God wants for their life, a man seeking to please God's heart, not just mine. THAT is the kind of man I want to marry!

Bought at a Price

Here I am up way too late... So many thoughts in my head tonight. I had my first St. Patty's Day green beer at a dive bar in town. While sitting at the bar, I distracted myself from getting hit on by the locals by texting a guy I had had coffee with several weeks prior.

Tall, sexy, Christian, he and I flirted back and forth for a good hour. I wondered why he hadn't called me for a real date after coffee. We were set up by a mutual acquaintance through church.

At some point in the conversation, he mentioned he had his "vices." AKA this meant that although he enjoyed texting me, he could not actually date me because, while my stance on sex before marriage was "admirable," he did not have the will power to wait for marriage. All this via text. It was a bit of a buzz kill.

Coming home, I got into a great conversation with my girlfriend who has been crashing on my couch. She sauteed pot stickers--the best food when you come home after a few drinks. She surprised me with her admission. "Michele, I took me SO long to realize that guys are just 'borrowing' you because you are there. I envy you, that you stopped having sex."

Whine... I am envied and celibate, while others are out there having sex and living how they want to. I have to remember that my body is not my own. I was bought at a price. I am not my own, I was bought at a price. I need to keep repeating this and write it on my bathroom mirror so I can repeat it to myself everyday. I hear the Holy Spirit whisper to me, just like He always does..."I have more in store for you, Precious..." I just need to stop thinking so much and listen.

Grin and Bear It

I have been sick for the past five days, holed up in my apartment. It has been miserable! On top of that, I started chatting with the Chef, a guy I met online but had not yet met.

The Chef called and we talked for some time. I learned that he was strong in his faith and had a great sense of humor. There was a slight shyness and sweetness about him that was very appealing. To add even more sugar to the mix, for our first date he offered to come to my house and fix me soup to help me get better. I thought this was refreshingly unique and personal.

A knock on the door, the Chef stepped into my apartment, arms laden with food. He had painstakingly prepared French Onion Soup from scratch just for me. He even cooked extra so I could have some for later.

He seemed a little nervous, and I felt myself getting unusually nervous in response. We talked in the kitchen, until I noticed my cat crossing the room with his best buddy and favorite toy, a Valentine's Day bear.

It was not unusual for my kitten to drag his little friend around the room. Right below where the Chef was standing, my shameless cat started humping his bear. I realized my kitten had moved from being a "kitten" to a "catolescent." This momma was SO embarrassed. My date laughed it off with me, and we proceeded to ignore the little tart.

This date went from unique to one of a kind! The conversation was great, the food delectable..if the Chef can handle the kitty porn enough to call me for another date, I'm open for seconds!

Third Time is NOT so Charming

(Cont'd from "Like Fine Wine..." and "Catch and Release")


After a long stretch, Mr. B decided to contact me for a third date upon returning from his vacation home. We decided on dinner and afterwards, I was to introduce him to one of my favorite music venues down in LA.

He was just as handsome as I remembered. Over a sushi dinner, we caught up over the past two weeks since last seeing one another. After grabbing drinks at the bar, we were seated at the sushi table. Once again, the conversation turned to sex, or my lack thereof. This time it was not so much of a discussion, but a few dropped lines with a hint of mocking.

Mr. B: "(something kinda crude)" then... "Oops! I can't say that around YOU cause you don't do that..." This was followed with a chuckle by him and an awkward WTF? look from me. I may be abstinent, but I don't need him to talk down to me.

This was the first date that I had seen him have a couple glasses of wine, and I was not quite sure if it was the wine talking or the real Mr. B.

I felt myself cringing at Mr. B's attempt to say something in garbled Spanish to our Asian sushi chef. The sushi chef pretended not to notice, but I shuddered as I watched his eyes dart sideways as he prepared our special rolls. He was going to spit in them, I was sure of it.

The drive to our next location was EVEN better. Mr. B fiddled with my radio, seeking out specifically "Hair Band" music. Ok, I know that music is NOT an indicator in finding your future spouse, however there is only so much Motley Crue and this girl can handle. The hairline fracture in our age difference was beginning to widen into a crevasse.

We had a good time at Hotel Cafe (how can you not?). The drive home was a little different though, as the man who "respected" my values tried to smooth talk me out of them. This combined with the crude comments and him not walking me to my door sealed the deal.

It was amazing where three dates had taken me. First time, awesome. Second time, left me doubting...Third date, not so charming. I think I should have been listening to that voice that was telling me was not the path I was to take. Maybe it was the Holy Spirit speaking words of wisdom? Let it be...