Pants on Fire...

Date number three with the Chef went really well. He cooked me a fabulous dinner in his drool-worthy kitchen, while I prepared delectable chocolate cookies with his vanilla mac sugar from Hawaii. Seeing all the fun products in his kitchen made me as green with envy as his avocado Kitchen Aide.

Fishing for information, I lallygagged down Girlfriends Past Lane. We women do this to gain more insight on a man. Men, for the most part (and to their credit) don't really care to ask about a girls' previous relationships. His previous relationship ended for one main reason: dishonesty. She was lying about being a drinker and a smoker. Insert DEER IN THE HEADLIGHTS as I looked at him. All of a sudden it became impossible to swallow around the HUGE lump that had formed in my throat.

This is a tough admission to all you readers... or rather, an embarrassing one. Or tough AND embarrassing. I struggle with smoking. GASP!!! Worse yet, I am so embarrassed by the fact that I struggle with this, I lie on my dating profile. And he called it out in his past relationship. I felt ashamed. I admitted to my struggle then and there, but still did not feel right about it.

I have justified omitting this information for two reasons: 1.) I refuse to date a smoker. (I know, its a double standard, but I'll never fully quit if I date a smoker.) and 2.) I'm trying to quit.

This was still weighing on my mind as I slipped into my seat at my Monday morning class at church. We were discussing modeling behavior in our children. "Lying," the teacher said, "plants a seed that will just get bigger and bigger. It will continue to grow with just a little bit of lying here and there until it overtakes you." Of course, she wasn't speaking directly to me; She was talking about a 5-year-old lying about eating candy when mommy said NO. I felt the heat creep into my cheeks until it was as if they were on fire. Regardless of how embarrassed I was about my smoking, a lie is still a lie. It's in the ten commandments for cryin' out loud! I know we are not perfect, but God only gave us a solid ten to stick with and I STILL can't handle it! :)

The irony is that I consider myself an extremely honest and genuine person. My depraved self emerges when my self image is at stake. I know that this can be common for any people, but I felt ashamed nonetheless. My choice now is to come clean and be honest, despite my embarrassment, and hope this new endeavor won't go down in flames.