13 going on 30

"Michele, any man who TRULY loves you will be willing to wait for you." If I had a nickel for every time I heard this line in the past year, I could have bought a house instead of a condo. (Not that I have ANY complaints.) While this advice sounds great in theory, I realized in the past month that the logic is essentially illogical. I don't want to date a man who is willing to wait for me. Yes, I think I'm worth it. Yes, I want to date and marry a man who TRULY loves me. No, we will not leave the honeymoon suite for days after we are married...

But I have come to think that it is not about me. While "worth the wait" is a catchy slogan for purity rings or high school campuses, it still lacks in spiritual substance. What is it really about? Why do we wait? We wait because God asks this of us, and asks for obedience.

"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me." (1 Cor. 13:11) As a "child" a.k.a teenager with raging hormones, insatiable sexual curiosity, new contacts and braces newly taken off, I was a ripe for the pickin'. I was a child in a young woman's body with no understanding of sexual integrity or a heart to please God. We love because He first loved us. How do we repay that the Creator and Definer of Love itself? Through obedience and worship with our actions.

As children, we love to think that it's about us; I'M worth the wait...If he truly loves ME... I sat on the couch chatting with two girlfriends the other night, and the subject turned to sex. (Of course!) I talked about how it was increasingly becoming an issue to date guys who don't wait, but because of my conviction, might "wait" for me. Maybe when I was a mere child in my dating knowledge it made perfect sense. Don't get me wrong--being "worth the wait" is fantastic! However, I think there is a time in our spiritual growth when our focus needs to change.

This is true in MANY areas of our lives. "Thou shalt not have premarital sex" is not the eleventh commandment. It is not this rule that we keep because God says to... We obey God because He loved US SO MUCH first!!! What if we were talking about lying? Say a guy I am dating says, "Michele, I love you SO much that I am willing to never lie again." Sounds great! Do I want him to not lie just to please me? I have since weaned myself off of boys who will wait for me. I have grown up to men who are willing to be man enough to follow to what God wants for their life, a man seeking to please God's heart, not just mine. THAT is the kind of man I want to marry!

Bought at a Price

Here I am up way too late... So many thoughts in my head tonight. I had my first St. Patty's Day green beer at a dive bar in town. While sitting at the bar, I distracted myself from getting hit on by the locals by texting a guy I had had coffee with several weeks prior.

Tall, sexy, Christian, he and I flirted back and forth for a good hour. I wondered why he hadn't called me for a real date after coffee. We were set up by a mutual acquaintance through church.

At some point in the conversation, he mentioned he had his "vices." AKA this meant that although he enjoyed texting me, he could not actually date me because, while my stance on sex before marriage was "admirable," he did not have the will power to wait for marriage. All this via text. It was a bit of a buzz kill.

Coming home, I got into a great conversation with my girlfriend who has been crashing on my couch. She sauteed pot stickers--the best food when you come home after a few drinks. She surprised me with her admission. "Michele, I took me SO long to realize that guys are just 'borrowing' you because you are there. I envy you, that you stopped having sex."

Whine... I am envied and celibate, while others are out there having sex and living how they want to. I have to remember that my body is not my own. I was bought at a price. I am not my own, I was bought at a price. I need to keep repeating this and write it on my bathroom mirror so I can repeat it to myself everyday. I hear the Holy Spirit whisper to me, just like He always does..."I have more in store for you, Precious..." I just need to stop thinking so much and listen.

Grin and Bear It

I have been sick for the past five days, holed up in my apartment. It has been miserable! On top of that, I started chatting with the Chef, a guy I met online but had not yet met.

The Chef called and we talked for some time. I learned that he was strong in his faith and had a great sense of humor. There was a slight shyness and sweetness about him that was very appealing. To add even more sugar to the mix, for our first date he offered to come to my house and fix me soup to help me get better. I thought this was refreshingly unique and personal.

A knock on the door, the Chef stepped into my apartment, arms laden with food. He had painstakingly prepared French Onion Soup from scratch just for me. He even cooked extra so I could have some for later.

He seemed a little nervous, and I felt myself getting unusually nervous in response. We talked in the kitchen, until I noticed my cat crossing the room with his best buddy and favorite toy, a Valentine's Day bear.

It was not unusual for my kitten to drag his little friend around the room. Right below where the Chef was standing, my shameless cat started humping his bear. I realized my kitten had moved from being a "kitten" to a "catolescent." This momma was SO embarrassed. My date laughed it off with me, and we proceeded to ignore the little tart.

This date went from unique to one of a kind! The conversation was great, the food delectable..if the Chef can handle the kitty porn enough to call me for another date, I'm open for seconds!

Third Time is NOT so Charming

(Cont'd from "Like Fine Wine..." and "Catch and Release")


After a long stretch, Mr. B decided to contact me for a third date upon returning from his vacation home. We decided on dinner and afterwards, I was to introduce him to one of my favorite music venues down in LA.

He was just as handsome as I remembered. Over a sushi dinner, we caught up over the past two weeks since last seeing one another. After grabbing drinks at the bar, we were seated at the sushi table. Once again, the conversation turned to sex, or my lack thereof. This time it was not so much of a discussion, but a few dropped lines with a hint of mocking.

Mr. B: "(something kinda crude)" then... "Oops! I can't say that around YOU cause you don't do that..." This was followed with a chuckle by him and an awkward WTF? look from me. I may be abstinent, but I don't need him to talk down to me.

This was the first date that I had seen him have a couple glasses of wine, and I was not quite sure if it was the wine talking or the real Mr. B.

I felt myself cringing at Mr. B's attempt to say something in garbled Spanish to our Asian sushi chef. The sushi chef pretended not to notice, but I shuddered as I watched his eyes dart sideways as he prepared our special rolls. He was going to spit in them, I was sure of it.

The drive to our next location was EVEN better. Mr. B fiddled with my radio, seeking out specifically "Hair Band" music. Ok, I know that music is NOT an indicator in finding your future spouse, however there is only so much Motley Crue and this girl can handle. The hairline fracture in our age difference was beginning to widen into a crevasse.

We had a good time at Hotel Cafe (how can you not?). The drive home was a little different though, as the man who "respected" my values tried to smooth talk me out of them. This combined with the crude comments and him not walking me to my door sealed the deal.

It was amazing where three dates had taken me. First time, awesome. Second time, left me doubting...Third date, not so charming. I think I should have been listening to that voice that was telling me was not the path I was to take. Maybe it was the Holy Spirit speaking words of wisdom? Let it be...

Catch and Release

Many people commented offering advice with Mr.B and wanted to know what ended up happening...

He asked me out for a third time and I agreed. I was really torn after that last blog because I liked the guy, and I did not feel like another date was 'settling.' I agreed for a few reasons: 1) I did not feel like two dates had been sufficient to really know his heart, and 2) I did not feel that my conviction for abstinence was in any danger. He was a man who had a good career and money, and was used to women dating him for the latter. It's great he has done well for himself, but a Porshe in the garage "don't impress me much!" So I was ready to get to know Mr. B on a deeper level and see what else he was about.

Unfortunately, that particular Wednesday we were to go out, I had way too much going on and had to cancel. I am not playing games here, but I rationalized if he really wanted to get to know me better and was willing to wait for sex, he would ask me out again.

A few days of texting with Mr.B, he still had not picked up the phone and called me. I mentally wrote him off over the weekend, but Monday morning I found several texts from him. He suggested I could invite him over in when I am in my new place. (I'm thinking, "okay, in another 45 days?") I am not a chaser--I like to let a guy call me, so I think I am going to let this fish go...

Dating, Rhymes with Waiting.

Home buying is also synonymous with waiting--I am learning, but that does not make a great title. :) After waiting for almost a year for my townhouse, it will be mine this coming week. My apologies for not writing earlier, as my hand has had a cramp in it from all the document signing.

I have taken a break from dating. It has been somewhat forced because my focus has been solely work and house. Period. I went on a few small dates here and there, one coffee and some small dinner outings. Nothing to write blog about. I made a vow to be more open about the type of guy I would go out with, but I am finding out that there is a serious chemistry deficiency when going down this route. Still, I get to meet new people and expand my world, without dissecting them with the marriage scalpel.

Even though I am meeting new people and having a great time, it can also be VERY discouraging. Sometimes I wonder if this is an area that God hears me in. I am conflicted inside when my doubts and feelings conflict with His word. I am reminded over and over again how much He cares and how He hears my prayers. Sometimes the worldly view gets in the way--through friends. I have some friends that LOVE to point to scarcity, causing knots in my stomach. "You know Michele, everyone is going to have baggage. You should just be happy to meet a guy with a job and who is Christian..." or "the older you get, the less available men there are," or better yet "you need to get back dating because the good ones get snatched up really fast!" Really? Seriously? God knows how old I am, and knows every hair on my head. I have faith that He really cares about EVERY aspect of my life, including who I date and marry. Is it really possible that the CREATOR of the Universe can be "run out" of good, single Christian men? Is He limited in no areas except for that? Am I going to die an old spinster, and when I get to heaven God will say, "Michele, I had the perfect guy for you, but you should have stayed on eHarmony for another month--he was right around the corner!"

So I have this cat. He knows I adore him. And he knows he gets fed twice a day. I don't dangle kitty food in front of his face and not give it to him. But even still, there are times that he gets so impatient, he jumps onto the table and then to the counter as I am dishing out the food. And he gets disciplined. He is not allowed to be on the counter! I have to remember that God knows what I am hungry for, and He is happily preparing it because He adores us. I just have to be patient and wait for the good stuff.

Fish or Cut Bait?

Monday night was the big night out with Mr. B. I was super excited and felt little butterflies well up in my stomach when I thought about it.

Earlier in the day, I had attended a parenting class at church. Not really focused on the lesson, I distractedly prayed that God would speak to me and guide my steps for this date, even though this was not a serious thing just yet. True to His promise, we ask for wisdom and He freely gives it.

Ironically, the scripture for the parenting class that day was on 2 Corinthians 6:14-18. "Don't team up with those who are unbeleivers... and SEPARATE yourselves from them..." (NLT) As Christians, we are called to be separate.

Sitting across from Mr. B and talking about sex and why I abstain (for nth time) was exhausting. I kept thinking that even though last year he was baptized, there was nothing that I could see that seemed "separate." He was only hitting the tip of the iceberg with his faith. I want to date someone who is strong in their faith, or at least feels strongly convicted in the same areas that
I do.

Talking to a yoga/pilates hard-bodied friend last night, I tried to explain it like this. "You are super fit and fitness is your life. What if you met a great guy, but he sat on his ass watching T.V. and eating Cool Ranch Doritos all day long? Sure, he might "respect" your fitness goals and what you are doing with your life, but he probably won't encourage you and challenge you in those goals." Not to mention, sooner or later, you will end up on the couch next to him asking him to pass chips as you unbutton the top button of your pants to breathe easier.

Everything else about Mr.B is awesome. Tall, funny, good looking, fit, sweet, talkative, sucessful, active, interesting, obvisouly likes me, no games...

Having this conversation with many women wiser than I, I am still at a loss on whether to fish with Mr. B or cut bait. On one hand, one more date won't hurt. Sure, he is not perfect, but who is? Maybe this is an area that he can and will grow in? And since we've only been on two dates, its not like I'm making a huge decision.

On the other, why waste his time? Or mine? Words of a Brad Paisley song swim in my head... "Oh lookie here, another bite..." This girl might just have to keep on fishin', cause apparently there is plenty of fish in the sea...